It’s The Day After, early in the morning and I can’t sleep anymore. Yesterday my girl celebrated her sweet 16. Only two more years and she will be a young woman. For the first time in her life she was allowed to go out in the city last night. I heard her coming in around 4 in the morning. I turned around and thought that this will be the things I have to get used to from now on. Like Elsa sings so annoyingly: ‘let it gooooo.’ It’s not easy if you just want to protect her from getting hurt.
The reason I woke up this early was not because I can’t let her go. I know I did a great job in raising her and her brother on my own. No, my biggest frustration comes from family. Dont you sometimes wish you had another family? A loving and caring mother you could turn to for all your questions? Or a father who jokes around and takes you out to spoil you just because he loves you? I never had that.
I had parents who always critisized me; too ugly, too stupid, too fat, there was and is always something to nag about up to a point that I already get frustrated and nervous when I know they are coming to my house. Although they live 5 minutes away from me, they only visit me 2 times a year, on the birthday of my children. So back to my daughters Sweet 16.
In the days before I was already stressed out about their visit, I made sure the house was neat and clean, the garden was beautifull. No string of grass dared to stick up his little head to wave the wrong way. It all had to be perfect. And it was perfect but still it was not good enough for them.
Later that night when I sat in silence in the dark I thought about it why I let them get to me everytime. I survived 3 domestic violence relationships in the past, I started my own company without any help from others which is after 12 years a respectable company, I raised 2 kids completely on my own because dad ran out when the youngest was a baby, I got a nice house with a rosegarden and I am a wellrespected person in society. So many people look up to me just for how I survived on my own without complaining. Am I that stupid I want recognition from people who will never ever give that to me? Again Elsa started to sing in my head again: ‘Let it goooo, let it goooo’ This time she is right. I am letting go….for now…because in november the next birthday is coming up.