Just when you think you got everything under control, something happens again. More than often I find myself going through life like it’s a bad soapserie and there is never a dull moment. It was a normal thursdayevening. Both kids had a sleepover somewhere else and I was alone in the house. Totally addicted to the hitserie Nashville, i was watching episode after episode while my cat was laying next to me.

My phone made a little noice that said a message was coming in. I didnt expect a message from anybody so I glanced quickly to see who was brave enough to bother me. There it was. After all these months, his name again. I stepped out of the intriges of Nashville and saw in flashes the rollercoaster ride I had with this man.

I could do this, so I thougt. I can act cool, answer back, asking how he was doing. He was fine and asked me if I could design a logo for him. Of course I could. It was my job. He said we could meet up this evening to discuss things. Still thinking I could do this, I said I would meet him at 7 at his office.

It was a 1,5 hour drive and during that long drive I knew I had everything under controle. He had me at his first hello. I loved him. I cried over him and I survived him. All of that, I did many, many times over the last 3 years I know him now. Because everytime we say goodbye for good, one of us just finds his way back to the other. And so there he was again. After all those months.

We arrived at the same time and untill the moment I got out of the car I had it under controle. We looked eachother in the eye and I was home again. I never had a home untill I met him. I wasnt alone anymore because I belonged to him. What I saw in his eyes was love. Despite what everybody is saying about him, despite what we are saying to eachother about this weird attraction. He is my home.

We played it cool untill cool was no longer an option and we let go of the strings we were attached to. I have seen many men but I never saw anybody looking at me the way he looks at me. That is because no one ever loved me like he does without saying it.

It was the middle of the night when I drove back, still having his scent on me. What the hell was that? I thought to myself. The cycle starts again. Love, letting go, emotional breakdown, anger, ignorance, moving on until the moment we will see eachother again.

It reminds me of a song I used to listen to;
‘I’ve asked God and magazines, stacks of books and movie screens
Anything to bring a little more comfort my way
But sometimes, there’s those times
It’s gotta be you’

I love him for being him and I can do this. Keeping it all under control again.

I keep tellin’ myself I’m movin’ on
Believin’ my heart was strong
But every step I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishin’ I didn’t love you
What I’d give if I could touch you
Wishin’ I didn’t love you anymore

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