It started as a normal saturday for me doing some housecleaning, going to the supermarket, checking my mail. There was this blog from Anonymous in my mailbox. I read it with mixed emotion. First reaction is of course wanting to comfort. But comfort doesnt help in a break up. Maybe a peptalk, that you will get through this. What the fuck. Of course he knows he will get through this. He’s not stupid. When I read on I thought of my own track record of break-ups. I became pretty good at getting dumped by the one I thought I loved. Disbelieve, stress, disappointed, grieve, anger and finally, after making a list about what a schmuck he actually was, not giving a fuck anymore. Untill the next stranger comes along and there I go again.

When friends tried to cheer me up after a break-up I could easily say with tears in my eyes just to give me a second because in the next stage I would be ready for the talk they wanted to give so badly. First I was allowed to cry. I can say I’m a great expert at going through break-ups and I knew, reading the blog, he just had to go through it himself and he knew that. It struck me how much he loved that girl, did she know how much he loved her? It was actually to my surprise he ended with the same standard thought I always tell myself: “I rather feel pain than nothing at all because then I know I’m still alive.”

Later that day I brought my daughter to a wedding of her friends. It was their second marriage and my first though was: ‘What a fools! Didnt they learn anything from their first marriage?” But my mind wandered off. “Wouldnt you like to be married again? Having someone to love you and you can love him back without getting hurt? Maybe I was jealous because they had the guts to make the jump for the second time. But then again, if I would find someone I wouldnt be scared either, if he would propose I would say yes. Would I?” I felt my stomach crunching like a fist hit me real hard. Only the thought already gave me a panic attack. “You damn fool, if you want to get married again or at least having a normal relationship, you should stop hiding behind that huge Chinese Wall and let people in. Start trusting again.” And there it was, I said it out loud. An expert at all the stages of getting dumped but no clue on how to let anyone in anymore. But I know, if some sweet smile might turn my head, I will face the fear and try again. Like Anonymous said in his blog. I rather feel pain than nothing at all.

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