It started as a normal friday today. Loads of work. An early message of Homeboy and a break in the afternoon watching the hitserie Homeland. I already saw a few episodes and I was proud of myself being able to watch it without memories.
I am a survivor of domestic violence and for years I couldnt watch any violence on tv or real life. I hate it. It brings back all the memories from a past life but years went by and I was doing fine most of the time. Untill today. I watched a guard being interrogated the hard way and there it was. In a flash it all came back. My hands trembling, not being able to breath and tears filled my eyes. I switched off the tv and looked for some comfort in anything. Although I rather wanted to drink a bottle of wodka, I took a cup of tea and sent a message to Homeboy. Anything that would get me out of my past and back in the present again. The only thing I want to do was hide in the smallest corner, forget the memories, dissapear and not excist anymore.
I remember the words Homeboy asked me once. ‘Will you ever put down your guards? Let down your wall?’ This is why I can’t. I am damaged goods. Broken but not defeated. The only thing I can do what always pulled me through is listen to my music and survive one more time the nightmare of the past. ”Cause I’m too proud, I’m too strong. Live by the code that you gotta move on. I paid my dues.” But will it ever end?